An homage to the number between 12 and 14

Throughout the world, millions of people did not fly in planes or play the lottery yesterday, in the belief that anything they did would immediately sour on the unluckiest of days. The number "you-know-what" has a long history of being considered unlucky at best and intolerable at worst, for reasons that have been buried in myth and forgotten in time. In the modern era, "that which shall not be named" has been omitted from buildings and airplanes, thereby lulling many people on the 14th floor or in the 14th row into a false and dangerous sense of comfort regarding both their safety and their ability to count. I'm sure this constant and age-old degradation of the ill-fated number has a profound negative impact on its sense of self-esteem. To you, lone number, I say persevere for a kinder tomorrow, and hope your day, too, will come.

America Watch: The Destruction of our Moral Fiber

I'm not the morality police, but I'm probably the only one who's going to bring to light this awful blight on our society. It's time we stop hiding from the truth and recognize just how destructive children's animated movies are to their audience's fragile minds. I'm talking, of course, about love affairs between people and animals. Movies like the Princess and the Frog and Beauty and the Beast teach children that if you love an animal enough, you can turn it into a human. I know, both of these movies are adaptations of traditional stories, but as the greatest and most moral country the world has ever known, we should be saying goodbye to these sickening tales of animals and bison-like man-beings becoming like us after they're kissed.

A Foible: The Tortoise and the Hare

On my way to work today I saw a guy in a Pontiac Vibe gritting his teeth and gunning it to 35 to try to pass a cluster of traffic. Those of you who drive slow cars understand that trying to pass a car when you really really want to is about as likely for success as running an ice cube home in mid-July. I drive such a car, and I have to admit that there is nothing more satisfying than outrunning a sports car when I'm pedal-to-the-metal, capping out at 80mph. Granted, it's only happened three times, and the sports cars have all contained old ladies, but I haven't let that damper my victories. After all, what good is a fuel efficient car if you aren't going to overcompensate for your lack of horsepower by beating that jerk who obeys traffic laws to the stop light?

Napkins: Saving the world?

It's an important question: Can your choice of napkin save the environment? The short answer is no. That is, it would be, until you eat overpriced buffet at a Whole Foods, and see that Tork Xpressnap reduces waste, minimizing your environmental impact. Granted, I am out of touch, but I think that the organic Quinoa that was shipped thousands of miles to sit so pretty and fresh on our plates might, at best, leave your recyclable napkin at a wash. But truly, perhaps time will show just how truly wrong I am and history books will look back on such brilliant innovations as leading us away from certain global catastrophe.

This week in TV land: Toyota, now with brakes!

Toyota has a campaign in place right now to truly silence the nonbelievers. They are investing millions of dollars that will eventually allow such impressive actions as cars that come to a complete stop. Although it was not explicitly stated, I'd assume the car will stop when the driver so desires it, putting unprecedented power and control in the hands of loyal Toyota drivers. I'm unsure how they propose to put this "vehicular halting system" in place, but if anyone is up to the task, it is sure to be the engineers at Toyota. However they achieve this ambitious feat, it is refreshing to see an automobile company overcome adversity and lead the pack once again.