How to become a millionaire

It's Christmas time, and nothing reminds people about how much money they don't have if it isn't the endless list of Secret Santas, Yankee Swaps, and family all lined up for presents. In this new world, it is more part of being a good American than ever to spend money to help stimulate the economy. Did you know that there was a great way to save money while spending? I know that, at first glance, that useless piece of junk you never wanted is still a useless piece of junk you never wanted, but what if you could knock 20% off of the asking price? That useless piece of junk has suddenly become your discounted first class ticket to saving you money, solving your problem and the problem of the American economy all at once (you're welcome).

Why put a new address on that same old roneriness?

On Halloween I decided to stop by a booth that offered a free spiritual reading. I provided only my name as three peculiar, energetic followers of Jesus took several minutes to peer into my soul. As I sat there with my goofy oversize glasses, gray jump suit, and a proud pot belly the spiritual readers showered me with compliments of my humility and resolve . I think they pegged me pretty well considering but I could not tell if they knew that I was dressed as Kim Jong Il-Our Great Leader of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea. The whole predicament was quite bizarre.

The yacht stealing sheep and the dog.

Courtesy Walter Ramsey

A very long time ago there was a flock of sheep that took to their mind that they could steal a yacht. They were some daring sheep who gathered round and determined that they had worked hard enough and had a right to party like the nice folk who went out to bay. Meanwhile, a lowly scruffy dog was doing not much of anything except terrorizing the nice folks with yachts and the sheeps both with his yipping and yapping, and would have continued to do so forever until he saw those sheep that had gotten it into their mind to take that yacht out for a spin. Now that dog wisely thought that it would be a great pain for the sheep if their plans were ruined, so he took care to warn the nice folk, and an alarmed, grateful, and guarded party of people devised a great gift of power and praise to bestow on the dog. From that moment on sheep have been herded by dogs and praised for their loyalty, so that the partiers can keep on partying, in peace evermore.

Moth balls are never the answer

We've all been there: Minding your own business, happily performing some errand or casually minding your own business in a public space when suddenly you're punched in the face with the unexpected pungency of moth balls. Every time this happens to me I'm shocked anew at how someone could possibly determine in their shopping that they should purchase mothballs; items that I challenge anyone to find at a grocery store anywhere higher than the bottom shelf. If you had to make the value judgment of keeping your precious fuzzy wool coat you take out at the first sign of chill in the air pristine in its ordinariness or  letting the damned thing get devoured by larvae, what would you do? If you voted to throw chemical-ridden-dead-grandma-from-the-30s smell into your closet, you have the distinct fortune of meeting a lot of people who enjoy collecting ceramic lawn gnomes indoors and knitting sweaters for people that will never wear them because they smell like mothballs. You are able to have this great benefit because absolutely no one else will want to come near you, because besides instantly gaining the appeal of an anarchist spotted immediately after a month-long bender, you will also be showing the good sense to wear something coated in toxic chemical that you didn't really need to wear for another three months anyway.

Leaf peepers

Alas, now is the time of year when wealthy white people flock to Western MA to pat themselves on the back for appreciating their own backyard. For just a couple of weeks we can put up with the flaunting statements like “golly, this apple orchard reminds me of my days at Cornell, where I was spoiled with fanciful orchards in every direction” and “why yes,this is a Scottish Terrier- it’s the same dog as my neighbors.... certainly you’ve heard of the Kennedys”. These people are charged a premium to pick their own apples and they flood our B&Bs and fancy restaurants. Smug reaches an annual peak in October, but it doesn’t stay long. When all is said and done we quietly share our fleeting colors with the leaf peepers; after all, their green in much appreciated.

What's your pitch?

I was on my way out of work today when I decided I was going to grab one of the doughnut holes that had been taunting me all day with its delicious, glaze-covered, jelly filled goodness. Not a minute after throwing the entire bite-sized morsel into my mouth, as any normal individual would, I saw my dental hygienist casually having a conversation with one of my coworkers after finishing her business. If that's not irony, then I don't know what is (seriously, if someone could explain irony to me that would be wonderful). To my relief, she didn't recognize me, and even if she had, probably wouldn't have known that I was eating pure solid cavity nectar. But in a world of competition where everyone has a motive and a pitch for why you should stick with them, why should the dentist have such a monopoly on the debate of what my mouth needs, when the delicious goods industry has such a compelling and mouth-watering counter-point?

A Brief History of the 1st Century

Adapted from Wikimedia Commons

The 1st Century is little more than the unloved child of a loveless marriage that transforms its inferiority complex into a really vicious power trip (and all that before Napoleon). You see, contrary to what it would have you believe, it is not the first century of the world or even the first century humanity has existed, and were it not for its self-proclaimed prime status, it would be no different from any other century. Sure, Jesus was alive and the Roman Empire was beginning its grand ascent to world domination and blah-de-blah-de-blah, but the real point is that people in the 1st century were STUPID. Jesus was born in 5 BC, after all, which means that year 1 is not a recognition of the beginning of a new era, but a celebration of his 5th birthday, which only makes sense if you know that on Jesus' 5th birthday he learned how to parallel park like a pimp. Some might argue that the 1st century is getting a pretty bad rap in this segment, especially because it was not even named the 1st century until 525 AD, but if you naysayers look within yourself you will come to realize that such new revelations only strengthen the original argument, as the brainless, arrogant fools didn't even realize what century they lived in.

The struggles of the format

Demi Spaghetti is not about lazy, uninspired, self-analyzing bullcrap, except of course when this author decides he's too lazy to do anything else. Besides, it needs to be said that the format of a picture and five sentences is a useful one, but very difficult to stick to. Because there are only three sentences left (two, if you discount this one that is being frivolously and strategically wasted right now), the complaining will be limited, but severe. You see, this author has no graphic ability whatsoever, and it becomes increasingly more difficult to find images that aren't infringing on someone's rights, exemplified perfectly by both my swap of one old radio for another, albeit cooler radio, in my previous post (the old one still exists in thumbnail form on our Facebook page), and by my experience trying to find a picture of someone who looks like a date rapist (the associated post isn't as bad as you think it is), even though I really wanted to just rip off the Huffington post and put a picture of Rich Lowry, some apparently important conservative who showed up on Google search. My general point is, that if you or someone you know is a photographer or artist, and can supply us with some photos, you will be recognized and given props, or be allowed remain anonymous, depending on how much you trust us not to fuck up your shit.

This week in TV land: Life without cable

In this country, we have a bone-deep belief in the constant, unfailing drumbeat of progress, and on occasion when this perception of reality is challenged, we are left curious and seeking answers. I've recently been challenged with the revelation that I no longer have constant access to television. Television traditionally has taken up only a small portion of my day and I think I'll probably be better off without it, and yet there's a part of me that misses the brain melting, culture subjugating engine of commerce that is the television, and that part of me feels a sense of apprehension at the idea of more time reading, writing, and hiking, all of which contain a notorious lack of ad-driven revenue. Then again, maybe I need to get over my phony definition of progress marked by the newest technologies we possess, and learn to value the gradual but marked steps forward we take as human beings in creating a more inclusive, acooperative and caring society. Or there's always this.

The Meaning of One Life

For my first post as guest blogger here at Demi Spaghetti I decided to get something off my chest right away: I am a mortal. Admittedly, I sometimes wish I wasn't, and for that I blame video games with their constant intrigue of multiple lives. Even outside the realm of video games some people are lucky enough to figure out how to achieve multiple life with their time here on earth - by establishing a second family on another continent, subscribing to "Having Multiple Lives" on Facebook, starring in a slasher movie, abandoning their Livejournal personality for a Blogspot one, or dunking in the holy water of a second baptism - but neither I nor this blog are one of them. As ill luck would have it, we mortals have to do with what we are given and though we may from time to time suffer existentialist crisis - gosh darn it I'll wear a hair shirt if we let this blog die. For those of us laying down at night riddled with questions about the meaning of life, wondering how we got here, what is our purpose, how come our favorite blog hasn't posted in weeks, and how many times you'll have to go back to the first world for more 1ups to save the Princess - this one's for you.

This week in TV land: Smart phones are creepy

I do not have a smart phone, or a super phone, or whatever those phones that think for you are called, and I don't really see the use. I mean, yes, they allow you to be accessible by anyone at any point, and they give you the ability to detach yourself from reality entirely, so what's not to like? I had no answer, until I saw a commercial they're playing to promote virgin mobile phones. Granted, it's well put together and cleverly co-opts punk music for a very un-punklike thing, but for some reason it just rubbed me the wrong way. I still can't quite explain it, but something about a guy with tape covering his mouth, texting furiously with a wild eyed serial killer look on his face turns me away from the whole useless crap at the palm of your hands thing.

Mid-term elections, and the running is easy

Art courtesy of Ramiro Davaro-Comas

It's almost the mid-term elections in the old US of A, and I would have to say that I'm stoked. Our democratic system is the single greatest system in the history of the universe, which is why democracy is our chief export. It's even better because now corporations are able to donate endless funds to politicians who lack principle (equivalent to meth addicts without self-control). The greatest thing about our democracy is that it's so streamlined that candidates can simply rely on catch phrases and a die-hard extremist core of party supporters, leaving the vast majority of people, who view a broken system with disenchantment, sitting on the sidelines. In this country, we prove every day that democracies can function better when our politicians lurk under the shade of night and keep potential voters as distanced and unknowing as possible, than when all citizens vote for a government that can truly be called representative.

Children are Stupid

Try teaching a child how to cook a good steak on the grill, come back in twenty minutes and see how well they do. A lot of people might say that their child is really intelligent, but they could not be less correct. Children don't know how to talk for the first few years of their life, and when they do they ask the most inane questions like "where do babies come from?" and are easily entertained by things like "peekaboo" that smart people with object permanence would totally see right through. They talk to imaginary people, often with incorrect grammar, and they are terrible at math. What's worse is that they're too stupid to realize that they're stupid, and it's our sad and sorry job to just grit our teeth and pretend that anything they say makes sense.

Demi Spaghetti's Weight Loss Plan!

If you, like many Americans, want to lose weight, you may be overwhelmed by the sheer number of options out there, many of which are ineffective or even downright dangerous. Well, fear not weight-loss adventurer, for Demi Spaghetti is here to help with a weight loss program 110% effective! Many nutritionists would argue that a good diet combined with regular exercise is the only path to a more healthy you and that any alternative is superficial at best, but that's both difficult and boring, while Demi Spaghetti's solution is so simple and interesting a complete idiot unfamiliar with the simplest aspects of biology could have come up with it: Don't chew your food! The benefits to not chewing your food are instantly obvious: food becomes smaller and takes up less space in your stomach when you chew, so anyone would logically determine that not chewing your food will allow less food to take up more space in your stomach; it leads to the potential to choke on your food, which is proven to be an appetite suppressant (warning: always have someone trained in the Heimlich maneuver nearby while eating); and finally, you will never be bored and nor will you appear boring to your friends.

A Brief History of the 20th Century

Because I graduated college with a history degree and paid attention sometimes in class, I feel that it's my responsibility to educate the masses with a multi-part brief history of the world, century by century, starting with the 20th. This last century can best be defined by the man who lived through almost the entire thing: Ronald Reagan. While Reagan was alive, he protected us from national healthcare, single-handedly tore down a wall in Berlin with his bare hands, ending millennia of communism in the godless country, and tried to expand the availability of vegetables to the poor (many of whom he coincidentally invented). Some Reagan deniers might argue that he was only one of many figures that played a major role in the 20th century, but were Ghandi, Haile Selassie I, Albert Einstein, Amelia Earheart, or Eleanor Roosevelt even half as good-looking? If you doubt the completeness of my record, just look at that face, and tell him he's not your everything.

This week in TV land: Reality!

First of all, I want to be clear in stating that I'm a huge fan of reality television. After all, television is thoroughly entertaining, and reality is, well, a somewhat amorphous concept that can be used to describe everything that can be seen, heard, felt, smelled, and tasted. With this information alone a prehistoric ice man might assume that Real World, where shameless narcissists have absurd and heavily edited but not completely scripted interactions with each other on television for infamy and an unlimited supply of alcohol (appealing, I know), was the extent of reality television. Not so, with the rise of the modern reality family, who has done nothing to become famous except being rich and related to someone who, in 1996, probably would have just been another housemate on the Real World. Like the concept of Life Water (seriously, I can't stress enough how much it grates me that life and water, a redundancy to be sure, can be slapped on the same packaging and wrapped up with juice concentrate and sugar), Reality Television is a wonderful opportunity to redefine the meaning of a word in order to subjugate and coopt it to a greater and nobler cause: Cashmoney.

Wiis all scream for ice cream

I enjoy my video games quite a bit, and will frequently scope out the newest opportunities for my beloved console at any conveniently located retail outlet. This time around, my mind was thoroughly blown. Those of us who enjoy video games in any capacity have enjoyed the gambit of opportunities they offer, from being able to do crazy shit that could never happen in real life (yet) like putting a bullet in a zombie's brain-hole, to the convenient reality of bowling with friends in the comfort of your own home. Well, the folks over at Cold Stone Creamery, who we've all come to know and love for artery-clogging goodness, have pushed the envelope on the latter style of gaming and now offer you, the casual masochistic gamer, the opportunity to avoid the whole going-out-to-eat-ice-cream thing by instead simulating it in the comfort of your own home. For the low price of $14.99 (or three ice creams, in Cold Stone currency), you too can be the proud owner of an advertisement.

There are stupid questions

Art courtesy Ramiro Davaro-Comas

I was meeting friends at a seedy bar none of us had ever been to before and, with the added wisdom of experience, none of us will ever return to, and was waiting about twenty minutes for a beer while listening to an inebriated older guy yell about kids these days. Said older guy quickly and unexpectedly changed the topic, turned to me, and asked a question that I feel compelled to share. "If you could have any super power in the world or sing," he asked, "what would you choose?" I wasn't really sure what he meant by this question, but after twelve minutes of over-explanation I felt I had a decent grasp on his question, and it brings up a wellspring of other questions. Chiefly, given the actual opportunity what kind of person would rather have the practical and boring ability to sing well than have the ability to fly, be invisible, or just plain awesome at kicking ass?

If all politics is local, politics is dead.

In my mind, the more colorful and vaguer a lawn sign, the more awesome it is. One of my favorite past-times is driving down side roads in towns whose politics I'm unfamiliar with and gaining a little misinsight into a town's political dynamic by reading short snippets of information. My favorite was driving through Northampton last summer and seeing signs that said "Vote Yes" and "Vote No". I didn't know what I should or should not be voting for, but I knew that I was supposed to feel some way about something because a small percentage of people decided to announce their political intentions for passers-by. Discounting polling days and locations that are more accessible to the general public and campaigns that attempt to engage new voters in serious and important conversations, isn't a handful of words that only a handful of people engaged in civics care about all you can hope for in a vibrant and functioning democracy?

Some Phrases are Doggone Rude

Most of us have heard our fair share of sayings in the English language. We know simple sayings like "go fly a kite" or "get lost" mean "go away", as opposed to literal suggestions (unless you are very good at flying kites or are Bear Grylls, in which case you are very likely receiving literal suggestions). However, I can't wrap my head around the insulting and baseless sayings that involve the modern canine. For example, it's somewhat slanderous to suggest that dogs would resort to cannibalism, since I haven't met anyone yet who has seen a "dog eat dog", and yet when the phrase gets bandied about everyone understands exactly what's being said. I guess dog is man's best friend, but when it comes to some reciprocity, man is dogged at best.

This week in TV land: Excess, now in 3D!

When most people hear about 3D TV, they think it's a giant joke. Despite that, there are going to be some people who decide that a 3D TV is right for them, particularly after the cost goes down. I can't argue, because if you like the thrill of golf on TV but wish you could see the club swing back at you in a confusing and disorienting distortion of reality, then by all means, this television is for you. Because it costs $150 for additional 3D glasses, your 60" TV will be enjoyed by a solid handful, and the only thing better than spending thousands of dollars on a stupid new technology is spending thousands of dollars on a stupid new technology that no one except you can enjoy. I will say that if you have a lot of money lying around, feel like you have too many friends,and would like to shut yourself away from reality to watch Avatar all day every day, then this TV is truly a gift from above.

An homage to the number between 12 and 14

Throughout the world, millions of people did not fly in planes or play the lottery yesterday, in the belief that anything they did would immediately sour on the unluckiest of days. The number "you-know-what" has a long history of being considered unlucky at best and intolerable at worst, for reasons that have been buried in myth and forgotten in time. In the modern era, "that which shall not be named" has been omitted from buildings and airplanes, thereby lulling many people on the 14th floor or in the 14th row into a false and dangerous sense of comfort regarding both their safety and their ability to count. I'm sure this constant and age-old degradation of the ill-fated number has a profound negative impact on its sense of self-esteem. To you, lone number, I say persevere for a kinder tomorrow, and hope your day, too, will come.

America Watch: The Destruction of our Moral Fiber

I'm not the morality police, but I'm probably the only one who's going to bring to light this awful blight on our society. It's time we stop hiding from the truth and recognize just how destructive children's animated movies are to their audience's fragile minds. I'm talking, of course, about love affairs between people and animals. Movies like the Princess and the Frog and Beauty and the Beast teach children that if you love an animal enough, you can turn it into a human. I know, both of these movies are adaptations of traditional stories, but as the greatest and most moral country the world has ever known, we should be saying goodbye to these sickening tales of animals and bison-like man-beings becoming like us after they're kissed.

A Foible: The Tortoise and the Hare

On my way to work today I saw a guy in a Pontiac Vibe gritting his teeth and gunning it to 35 to try to pass a cluster of traffic. Those of you who drive slow cars understand that trying to pass a car when you really really want to is about as likely for success as running an ice cube home in mid-July. I drive such a car, and I have to admit that there is nothing more satisfying than outrunning a sports car when I'm pedal-to-the-metal, capping out at 80mph. Granted, it's only happened three times, and the sports cars have all contained old ladies, but I haven't let that damper my victories. After all, what good is a fuel efficient car if you aren't going to overcompensate for your lack of horsepower by beating that jerk who obeys traffic laws to the stop light?

Napkins: Saving the world?

It's an important question: Can your choice of napkin save the environment? The short answer is no. That is, it would be, until you eat overpriced buffet at a Whole Foods, and see that Tork Xpressnap reduces waste, minimizing your environmental impact. Granted, I am out of touch, but I think that the organic Quinoa that was shipped thousands of miles to sit so pretty and fresh on our plates might, at best, leave your recyclable napkin at a wash. But truly, perhaps time will show just how truly wrong I am and history books will look back on such brilliant innovations as leading us away from certain global catastrophe.

This week in TV land: Toyota, now with brakes!

Toyota has a campaign in place right now to truly silence the nonbelievers. They are investing millions of dollars that will eventually allow such impressive actions as cars that come to a complete stop. Although it was not explicitly stated, I'd assume the car will stop when the driver so desires it, putting unprecedented power and control in the hands of loyal Toyota drivers. I'm unsure how they propose to put this "vehicular halting system" in place, but if anyone is up to the task, it is sure to be the engineers at Toyota. However they achieve this ambitious feat, it is refreshing to see an automobile company overcome adversity and lead the pack once again.