Great, Now I'm Slightly Inconvenienced

I don't pay much attention to world happenings, because America is the best country in the world and even if something bad happens in our country, it doesn't really affect my ability to buy useless crap. The economy will provide for those who are fortunate, and that has sustained me through some trying times (for example, I don't remember Tiananmen Square partly because I was two and partly because McDonalds helped to fill the void). So, needless to say, my eyes glazed over when talk started about the "catastrophe" of Japan's earthquake and tsunami and blah-de-blah-de-blah. This blissful ignorance sustained me until I wanted to buy an iPad 2, rush delivered so that I could enjoy Glee on the go. Turns out, this incident that took place has totally screwed with my ability to buy stuff, LAME.

How to become a millionaire

It's Christmas time, and nothing reminds people about how much money they don't have if it isn't the endless list of Secret Santas, Yankee Swaps, and family all lined up for presents. In this new world, it is more part of being a good American than ever to spend money to help stimulate the economy. Did you know that there was a great way to save money while spending? I know that, at first glance, that useless piece of junk you never wanted is still a useless piece of junk you never wanted, but what if you could knock 20% off of the asking price? That useless piece of junk has suddenly become your discounted first class ticket to saving you money, solving your problem and the problem of the American economy all at once (you're welcome).

Why put a new address on that same old roneriness?

On Halloween I decided to stop by a booth that offered a free spiritual reading. I provided only my name as three peculiar, energetic followers of Jesus took several minutes to peer into my soul. As I sat there with my goofy oversize glasses, gray jump suit, and a proud pot belly the spiritual readers showered me with compliments of my humility and resolve . I think they pegged me pretty well considering but I could not tell if they knew that I was dressed as Kim Jong Il-Our Great Leader of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea. The whole predicament was quite bizarre.

The yacht stealing sheep and the dog.

Courtesy Walter Ramsey

A very long time ago there was a flock of sheep that took to their mind that they could steal a yacht. They were some daring sheep who gathered round and determined that they had worked hard enough and had a right to party like the nice folk who went out to bay. Meanwhile, a lowly scruffy dog was doing not much of anything except terrorizing the nice folks with yachts and the sheeps both with his yipping and yapping, and would have continued to do so forever until he saw those sheep that had gotten it into their mind to take that yacht out for a spin. Now that dog wisely thought that it would be a great pain for the sheep if their plans were ruined, so he took care to warn the nice folk, and an alarmed, grateful, and guarded party of people devised a great gift of power and praise to bestow on the dog. From that moment on sheep have been herded by dogs and praised for their loyalty, so that the partiers can keep on partying, in peace evermore.

Moth balls are never the answer

We've all been there: Minding your own business, happily performing some errand or casually minding your own business in a public space when suddenly you're punched in the face with the unexpected pungency of moth balls. Every time this happens to me I'm shocked anew at how someone could possibly determine in their shopping that they should purchase mothballs; items that I challenge anyone to find at a grocery store anywhere higher than the bottom shelf. If you had to make the value judgment of keeping your precious fuzzy wool coat you take out at the first sign of chill in the air pristine in its ordinariness or  letting the damned thing get devoured by larvae, what would you do? If you voted to throw chemical-ridden-dead-grandma-from-the-30s smell into your closet, you have the distinct fortune of meeting a lot of people who enjoy collecting ceramic lawn gnomes indoors and knitting sweaters for people that will never wear them because they smell like mothballs. You are able to have this great benefit because absolutely no one else will want to come near you, because besides instantly gaining the appeal of an anarchist spotted immediately after a month-long bender, you will also be showing the good sense to wear something coated in toxic chemical that you didn't really need to wear for another three months anyway.